5 Months Since Getting Sick

Good Morning bloggees. Again, I know it's afternoon, but I'm drinking coffee so it's STILL morning to me.

Just a quick update (I say quick, then I'll type away for 4 or 5 pages and it will no longer be a "quick" update.) I hope to spend some time today writing, or at least trying to in between bout of brain fog. I haven't given an update to everyone as to how I'm doing and what's going on now.

I'm hanging in there. Each day this disease is different. No two days, or two pains are alike. I feel pretty good today, a nice surprise, yet the pain in my knees keeps me primarly bed bound. But it is nice to be feeling better in general, I have a long list of things I'd like to do today while I'm feeling well. I tend to overdo it when I have a good day, because the list of things that gets put off until a good day gets bigger and bigger. I really need to focus and concentrate over the next few weeks to get things in order.

I see the specialist on the 29th, and will start treatment shortly after that. I am aware of the fact I will be getting sicker when this happens. I'm "scheduling" a 3 month period for this. I figure I will miss most of the holidays this year, as I'm progressing in treatment. I have high hopes that by springtime I'll be on the mend, and ready to return to work and start to get my life back. Mom's not handling that aspect very well. She keeps saying she's hoping for a miracle so I don't get sick during treatment. I don't think she quite understands, or accepts, that you have to get worse before you can get better. I can maintain at the level I'm currently at, and hope the disease doesn't win in the end. Or I can fight it, knowing it will make me very very ill in the meantime. I plan to fight. This isn't much of a life to maintain. The path I'm on now is to rot in bed on disability, hoping Lyme doesn't take my life. I'm not okay with that. I want more. I want to go back to work. I want to be social again. I want to go out and dance til 4 in the morning, not lay in bed twitching and praying for sleep til 4am. No, this isn't much of a life, so I have to fight it because I'll be damned if I'm going out like this. I'm only 36, I'm not even halfway through my life yet (hopefully!!), it's too soon to accept this as my future.

So as I prepare for the next stage of this journey, I hope I can convey to people the necessity of this, the importance for me and my life to see this Dr and get the help I haven't been able to find anywhere else for the past 5 months. There's a lot of "unknown" about this path right now. I may be too sick to use a computer. I may be living at Mom's with my home health nurse, and unable to communicate with people. It may be a few weeks, or months of my absence on FB, my blog, etc. But I will be back, and without this current path, I don't know how long I'd be here. I try not to let myself get bummed about this. Not looking forward to the pain, the trips to the ER, having my mother have to see all of this. But by God, I AM looking forward to getting my life back. You see, I've been sick for so long (over 6 years) with this disease, that I don't remember anymore what normal is. I can't remember a time when I felt good and think "this is what I have to get back". Over time I adjusted to the disease ravishing my body, to the point where I no longer remember what it felt like to be healthy. So not only am I going to get better, but to me it's a whole new life ahead of me, free of the chains of Lyme disease that have shackled me for so long now.

It's scary, but it's also so exciting. If I can just get through the next 6 months or so, the whole world will be at my fingertips, in many ways I feel like I will be starting fresh. And I can't wait. I am ready to get my life back, or an improved version of it free from the bacteria that runs my body now. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that is in the future, and helps me on bad days to keep fighting, knowing the goal I have in mind and the life I want to get back.

I'm ready.